Monday, 1 July 2013

That Waiting to Exhale Moment

Whilst talking to my friend about how important good friendships are she said, "That's the thing about you Gail, you never hold grudges."  

I don't know, why but ever since she said it those words have been running through my mind.  Does everybody know this about me?  Is this a good or a bad thing?  I happen to think it's one of those two edged sword type of things.  On the one hand the people I care about are never afraid to come back and talk to me after an argument or disagreement because I'm quick to forgive, but on the other hand, I could be considered soft, or a pushover.  I want to change that about me without being unkind or heartless.  I want people to know that sometimes sorry isn't enough.   

A couple of years after my 7 year relationship ended my friend and I were flicking through my facebook photos when she came across a couple of my ex.  She asked me why I still had them and I told her that he was a part of my past, someone I cared deeply about and although I'm over him, that doesn't mean I want to erase all memory of him because we had some good times.  I've never been the type to throw away love letters, gifts or even special text messages and I'm beginning to think that's a problem.  

Little man's dad thought it was ok after not having seen me throughout the whole of my pregnancy to stroll up and knock my door when little man was 10 months old.  He came with a whole load of apologies, hugs, kisses (for me not our son,)  then had the audacity to ask if I would get the CSA not to take payments (I of course didn't do this).  I have to laugh about it now because that was very brave considering what an ass he'd been.  The thing is all those apologies meant nothing as I've not heard a word from him since, and our son is almost 2.  It goes to show that that flaw in my character, that good-natured, kind and forgiving part of who I am, is most certainly not always a good thing.

Does my pout look good in this?

Perhaps I should have one of those 'waiting to exhale' type of moments: smash some shit, put all the memories in a bin and burn them.

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