Sunday, 5 January 2020

Just Be

I'm pretty sure yesterday was one of those days sent from the devil to test me.  I woke up later than planned as I'd been at a friends house the night before having a whale of a time at her PJ cheese and wine night (as most sophisticated ladies do).  It was about mid day and waking up at that time on a Saturday makes me feel super unproductive as I'm usually half way through my first tutoring session by then so that was the 'get out of the wrong side of the bed moment for me'.  

I then proceeded to have a look in my fridge, I didn't even want anything, there was a bag inside that I had noticed and ignored for the past few days thinking it belonged to my daughter.  What prompted me to look in it I have no idea, but I wish I hadn't.  What I found inside it was a 6 pack of 'K'  I was so triggered that I immediately started crying.  

It didn't belong to my daughter, thankfully, one of her friends that had come to celebrate new years at ours had left it there.  I wasn't angry at them, they were not to know that a couple of cans of K could bring a grown woman to tears.  They were not to know that each Christmas is a reminder of doing this parenting thing alone, each new year means another new year without my Scott Disick equivalent. I lucked out with my choice for who fathered my first child in so many ways; we were young, we loved each other, we were dedicated to our families and no matter what, together or not, we had made the decision that we would always work together to parent our child.  Unfortunately, in this life, ALWAYS is temporary.

The amount of times yesterday I was asked if I was alright and chose, "Yes, I'm just tired." can't be counted on one hand.  I often tell myself that I'm just tired but in reality that's code for I want to give up, I want to feel normal again, I want to take a moment out from being positive and just be.  Thankfully this isn't my daily narrative but it's part of my narrative all the same.  Last year saw more loss of loved ones which is a constant reminder that this life is temporal, hence I value my salvation more than anything.  That still doesn't stop the pain of loss.  When my counsellor asked me over the phone if I'd had any recent trauma I said no, the fact is, I've had so much trauma in my life that I don't even class it as trauma anymore.

This post is not a cry for help, most people who know me know that I never ask for help, I just get on with it.  This post is just a release.  It's the best way I know how. Perhaps the only way.  So indulge me a little.


Wednesday, 1 January 2020

Transformation

The start of another new year and the beginning of a decade.  We look back to reflect then firmly place our eyes forward setting goals for the future with the hope of better days to come.  We are grateful for the here and now and we are grateful for the possibilities of tomorrow.

I don't know what I've named my years before this and I can't say what I will name them after but I truly believe this is my transformation year and I don't say that lightly.  I can honestly say I know myself better than I ever could have claimed to before.  

I've always been someone that finds letting go difficult if not impossible so much so that I would find excuses to hold on to things or people even though they were harmful to my mental state.  I don't know exactly what it was that happened for me in 2019; perhaps the strengthening of my faith in Jesus?  Perhaps the loss of yet another loved one?  But what I do know is that what ever happened has lead me to a true understanding of self.

I have a commitment to improving the flaws that I know I have and being the cheerleader for myself as I so often am for others.  I will remain the optimist and see the glass as half full rather than half empty because that is the only way I know how to be but what I will not do is paint people in the light in which I want to see them rather than the light of truth.

I've had some great wins this year and one of the best was taking myself and my children to Barbados to see my mum for the first time in 3 years.  When you have the type of relationship with your mother that I do with mine a hug from her is the best thing in the world; it's like winning the lottery whilst eating toffee fudge ice cream on a Caribbean beach.  There is so much I have to be grateful for I won't list them here but what I will say is God is great, yes we suffer sadness, grief, emotion turmoil but we also encounter love, joy passion and peace.

I am now in a place where I am ready to take all that God has to offer me, I'm ready to build and empire and to slay every challenge that comes my way.  This is now documented in writing so if you see me slacking remind me of my own words.

In this, my year of transformation, I give thanks for all my blessings and I pray that all who read this will find themselves blessed and will take all the pleasure that this life has to offer them and use it to grow and glow.

Happy New Year Kings, Queens and In-betweens xoxo