Wednesday, 24 October 2018


"When words fail you start with a picture?"

I don't know if I'm quoting anyone there but these were the words that came to mind when I approached writing this post.  What story is it that this picture tells?  

For me it tells the story of an uncomfortable believer.  I didn't go back to church because I heard the voice of God calling me, I didn't go back to church because I felt sad and I didn't go back to church because I was worried about where I'd go after this life.  My reason for returning was for the fellowship.

I missed connecting with people on a level that went deeper than surface level.  I missed singing worship songs at the top of my lungs with a group of people who were singing at the top of theirs.  Hence feeling slightly uncomfortable, I had an agenda.  However once I'd met that agenda, I realised that I was exactly where I needed to be.  

Sunday, 30 September 2018

Life and Coal Mirrors

The other day I posted a picture on my Instagram page with the self quotation, "I evolve, I grow, I change, I'm a series not an episode, all my stories aren't the same."

Life is a complicated thing filled with many happenings, that with them bring a myriad of emotions.  So much has changed in my life in such a short time but with the change has come growth.  Whether that be something as minor as hair growth or something as profound as spiritual growth, in this season of my life I seem to be encountering a lot of it.

Losing loved ones and friends has taught me to embrace now.  This is because my 'now' will always contain the people and things that hold the most value in my life at this present time, because you take care of the people and things that matter the most to you in your 'now' and they in turn take care of you.  The past always holds great memories, great sadness, great laughter and great pain but what the past can't do is change your present, unless you want it to.

I've never really been one for going out on a school night but when invited to the Saatchi Gallery for a private viewing of the new collection 'Black Mirror' I thought why not?  It was my chance to do something I've not done before and to bring a friend along for the journey.  It was also my chance to have a go at interpreting some of the modern art that though some may find profound, I often find confusing.

Two of my favourite pieces of the night were Alejandra Prieto 'Coal Mirror' and Steve Bishop's 'It's Hard to Make a Stand'  

I've not read up any of the background of these pieces which left them completely open to my own interpretation.  I guess because of the place I'm in in my life coal mirror appealed to the part of me that thought, "What is it you see when you look in the mirror?  What if that mirror showed you nothing but coal?  Is that what you would see?"  

The truth is as I stood in front of that mirror making up interpretations in my head, what I saw was imagination.  Within me lives a dreamer, capable of creating something out of nothing.  I created ideas and with those ideas come vision.  What is important is not what we actually see in the mirror, but what our minds create from what we don't see.

My interpretation of Steve Bishop's piece was much less profound.  I just really loved the fur!  The fact that the horses face was hidden to me meant that he, or she, didn't want to be seen.  He was wrapped up in fur and plastic, forbidden fruits of the world and fashion, yet he perhaps wasn't brave enough to show his face and say, "I like this stuff, so what?"

There were of course lots of other fabulous pieces of art, but I'm choosing to be a little selfish and keep the rest of my photos private so that you have to make the journey and interact with the art yourself.

Sunday, 26 August 2018

All Men Are...

This is probably a really bad thing and I shouldn't taint all of the male species with the same brush but...
Are all men just absolutely unreliable?  I mean my grand father was probably the most reliable man I know and I won't have a bad word said about him, but as far as the other men in my life go most would score between 0-3 out of 100 on the reliability scale.

Take this weekend for example 3 of my male friends had said they would be coming to visit.  

Friend 1: I can sort of excuse this one, sort of.  He was travelling home today so had very limited time and the fact that he had only met his girlfriend 2 weeks ago and was now leaving the country means he should definitely have spent as much of the time left in the country with her.  Why I say sort of is because I didn't ask him to come and visit me, he told me he would be coming to visit and I would have liked him to take something home for my mum.  Did he call, no, did he send a message, again, no.  Common courtesy dictates that if you make arrangements and you can't meet with those arrangements at least let a sister know.  That being said he's still my homie.

Friend 2:  This one has absolutely no excuse, unless he's ended up in hospital yet again (just checked, he hasn't).  He's someone that I've known for a good 14 years and again someone that obviously has either lost the use of his hands, his voice or is just plain rude.

Friend 3:  The ex, this one has absolutely no reason to stick to any arrangements made, apart from the fact that he shattered my heart into a million pieces but will still look me square in the eye and tell me he loves me.  I probably made that sound worse than it is, he didn't cheat or lie or any of the usual BS, he just needs to work on his demons and that I can fully understand, we all have things we need to work on.  At least he made an active effort to send me a message with his apologies, not that he replied to my response but that's another story.

Thankfully I didn't rely on any of them to show or I would have had the most boring of weekends.  Instead I invited my FEMALE best friend over.  Not only did she come with her son to keep little man occupied but she also came bearing the gifts of alcohol and business inspiration, got to love an entrepreneur.
She never smiles in pictures and will probably kill me for stealing her photo

So what have I learnt from all this?  I've finally realised that people will only treat you a certain way if you accept it, so I'm done accepting it.  From this day forward, I pledge to live an amazing life doing me with a few reliable buddies.

Phoning a friend

Thursday, 23 August 2018

September Approaching

September is fast approaching, as is the start of the new school year and for me a new start in a new school. For us as a family however it also marks another year without D and a year since T was ill.

Tianna and I had a conversation the other day, I told her how proud I was of the journey she has been through these past 3 years, so much has happened yet it still only feels like yesterday. My first birthday after he died and our first Christmas is all a blur, I don't know how we got through it but what I do know is that we did it together.

In that same conversation I told Tianna how strong she is, how brave, how talented and how loved. I expected a simple thanks mum (that's about as much as you usually get out of teenagers) but she responded by telling me how proud she was of me and of us as a family, she reminded me that she didn't have to miss me when she was in Kent because I drove up there everyday but 1 and she reminded me that everything she's been through in the last 3 years has been made easier through the support of myself and her little family .

I'm so proud of the daughter we; (Darrell, my mum, Sonia and myself) raised, when the nurses sent her home they were sad to see her go, they said she was the most polite and respectful girl they had ever met. They told me that I did a wonderful job raising her and the truth is, I did. However, she also did a wonderful job at maturing me, she let me know that it is ok to get things wrong sometimes, it is ok to get angry sometimes, it is ok to love with all of you and it is also ok to cry when you get hurt.

I don't know what tomorrow might bring but I know that whether joy or sadness my load will be made lighter through the love of my little family.

She cut half her face off on purpose, It's a teenage girl thing :-|

When was the last time you told someone you love how proud you are of their journey?

Wednesday, 27 June 2018

The Strength of Friendship

The last couple of days have been good for my mental health.  Despite feeling really low recently, I kept pushing through and reached out to a couple of good friends who turned out help me more than I could have imagined.  They say laughter is the best medicine and I laughed so much last night that the strength which had threatened to disappear forever has slowly started to resurface.  

My friends decided to treat me to a meal at one of my favourite restaurants and (under the influence of only one alcoholic beverage) I was able to talk about everything without crying.  My friends, one of whom I don't see nearly as much as I'd like sat with me and listened without judgement.  They shared with me their own stories and advised me from the heart.  Although some of the advice was hard to hear I was more than willing to listen.  

We spoke about all the taboo subjects, religion, sex, death, and mental health, all the things that are usually kept away from the dinner table and at the end of the conversation we sang, we laughed, we sang some more then we prayed.

I'm still not where I want to be, I still have unanswered questions and emotional scaring but I'm on the way and I know that if I ask for help, help will come find me at my place of need.

Sunday, 24 June 2018


As much as I've wanted to blog I have found it increasingly difficult to write recently, mainly because I've felt like I can't tell my story without sharing someone else's.  Unless you live a completely solitary life on an island surrounded by trees every aspect of our lives have at least a hint of someone else's story.

The journey I've taken so far in my life has been a challenging one, one in which I have at times chosen paths that not only brought with them greater obstacles but at times have been littered with pain and heartache.  This however is a reminder to me of how resilient I am.  It is often in times of great weakness, hurt or challenge that you are reminded of your true strength.

But what happen's when that strength is no longer enough?
For me the journey goes one of two ways.  

I continue to pretend that everything is ok, continue to be the best mother I can to my beautiful children, continue to be the best teacher I can to my pupils and continue to be the best friend I can to those who still value my friendship, until eventually everything really is ok or...

an alternative which I never hope becomes a reality, I can pretend until pretending becomes too difficult and I lose my passion for everything and everyone I love, I lose the strong women that is buried somewhere deep within and eventually I completely lose who I am. 

All I want is for a happiness that lasts for more than just a moment.  People say you make your own happiness and trust me I try, I'm usually the first person to try and turn a negative into a positive and live my best life.  I guess this is my way of saying that I'm tired, that my strength is waning and I can no longer be positive on my own.

Tuesday, 2 January 2018

Taking Flyte

With the new year just beginning it's the time where people reflect and attempt to make changes to their diet and lifestyle.  I'm  a no resolution kind of girl, that being said I'm always open to ideas when it comes to making changes that positively effect my health.

The princess and I are self confessed caffeine junkies.  I personally can't operate without my large morning cup of coffee accompanied by a few squeezes of caramel syrup.

When the opportunity arose for us to try flyte, which is a clean energy drink from 100% natural sources that is powered by green coffee caffeine, we thought, why not?

When the drinks arrived I must say I was pleasantly surprised with the packaging.  Although a little dusty looking the packaging looked like it would suit the alcopop or cider isle, which suits me just fine, sort of clean with an edge.

I took a sip of the red berries which was odd but refreshing and decided the teen could have that one.  I went with the citrus lemon, which also had a slightly odd taste, it took me a couple of sips to get used to it then I found it quite refreshing.  The teen drank hers to get a little buzz to keep her going while she completed some school work, she said it gave her the energy she needed to work through the night. 

I drank mine for a general energy boost.  I must say although I was sceptical, it did give me that extra little boost in the morning without the need for my usual coffee.

So overall the verdict was unanimous.  Flyte is definity a drink that gives you an extra boost without the caffeine crash and the refreshing flavours are an additional plus point.  Whilst I'm not ready to give up my morning coffee just yet, I'm very willing to carry Flyte to the gym for a post workout boost.

This is a review post, the opinions are my own.  I was given the Flyte drinks for the purpose of review.