Monday, 19 November 2012

Love and loss


Last night as the children went to sleep and I listened to some chill out music and started to evaluate some elements of my life.  I thought about how long it took me to get to know myself and how I’m still getting to know myself.  It may sound strange that at 31 and still getting to know who I am but I've always been one of those people who looks at themselves through another’s eyes. 

As a child I valued myself by what my parents thought of me, especially my dad.  My dad never really spoke much about feelings so it was more my perception of how he felt about me.  I knew my mum would be proud of me no matter what, but with my dad it was different.  I knew he liked sport so I threw myself into Physical Education and I was good, I often placed well in athletics and ran for my school in local competitions and for a while this made my dad proud.  That was until I met up with a local football player and although I wasn't interested in him at first, his skill on the pitch and his friendly nature managed to win my heart and that caused me not to try so hard to make my dad proud.  It then became about pleasing my guy.

I lost myself in that relationship and that guy became my world, and I his.  I fell pregnant and although my dad and I lived in the same home he stopped speaking to me, I was crushed.  In my dad’s eyes because I had gotten pregnant I would never get any qualifications and would therefore be a failure.  I can never look down on those ’16 and pregnant’ girls because I've been there.  I spent hours in labor and Campbell as I called my then boyfriend was there with me every second, he even fulfilled my drug endorsed request for him to MC (rap) for me.  I gave birth to our baby girl too soon, she left us at 21 weeks and 3 days gestation.  

She was a perfectly formed tiny beauty and we felt that automatic love despite knowing she would never leave the hospital.  We were both young; we received no counselling, no advice, no help, all we were left with were pictures, pain and depression and each other.  Though neither of us knew it at the time our inability to cope with our loss would eventually lead to the end of our romantic relationship, though we still remain friends to this day.  


My dad did start talking to me again but he had lost faith in me.

After that relationship I became a serial monogamist and had two beautiful children but I was only ever single for a maximum of a few months.  That was until now.  I've spent two years getting to know the me that doesn't look at herself through the eyes of someone else but evaluates her strengths and weaknesses through her own eyes.  I still value other people’s opinion of me but I have learnt to value my opinion of me above all else... I think you call it self worth.  One of the things I most value about myself is that I may not always get things right but I take responsibility for my actions and try hard to improve where I've gone wrong.  I try to stay positive even in hard times when depression threatens to take over, and if nothing else I’m a good mother who tries to put my children first.

Saying goodbye hold services for remembering those babies that were lost, no matter how short their lives.
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