Saturday, 7 July 2012

An Elephant on Hind Legs

I'm having one of those periods in my life where I feel very insecure about everything.  It's probably not the greatest idea to share my insecurities on a blog but as my mum says, "You blog about everything!"  I'm pretty sure I don't blog about every detail of my life... for example if you can tell me how many times I've spoken to my three angels (Gen, Chan and Gee) in the last week and what we spoke about I'd be very impressed although trust me, you wouldn't.  Our conversation range from the absolutely boring trivialities of our everyday lives to the provocative fantasy worlds that we create for ourselves (mostly involving travel and good looking husband types).

So despite the fact that I may open up a can of over-sized worms and spill them on my own head I'm going to share my insecurities in the hope that someone can relate, or at least give me a virtual slap and tell me I'm worrying about nothing.

Insecurity 1: My Hair
I decided to chop my hair off because for the second time in my life I felt like a hypocrite telling my daughter that she should love her natural hair but I was still running back and forth to the salon to have mine relaxed, dyed, pressed... anything but natural.  I do love the fact that my hair is now natural but I'm not enjoying the length at the moment.  A short Afro that takes ages to style if I want to leave the house looking half decent.

I am however proud that my daughter has now embraced her natural hair to the extent that she will rock her Afro to school and feel no way about it!

Insecurity 2: My stomach
Yes I know I've had two children and yes, I know my youngest is only 11 months but I'm not loving the mummy tummy.  I've dropped most of my baby weight... I was humongous, like an elephant walking on it's hind legs but now that it's gone I'm left with loose skin and a speed bump I  feel like I have to buy a size bigger just to accommodate for it.

Insecurity 3: My ability to raise a man
Ultimately the Prince will grow to be a man.  Like it or not I'm a woman, I don't know what it's like to be a man.  I don't know first hand the types of struggles they face neither internally or externally and I worry that I'll find it hard to help my son grow into the strong man that I want him to be.  I worry about the examples of men that he has around him and I worry that I will either baby him too much so that he doesn't grow to be independent or I will not do enough and he will grow to be distant or aggressive.  I know there are women all over the world who raise sons on their own and I really want to be one of the good ones.

Insecurity 4: My ability to trust
I'm the kind of person that loves with the whole of me and I don 't have that type of love that's like a light switch, if I loved you yesterday I'd probably still have love for you ten years later albeit altered.  If I have something you need and I am able to give it I usually will.  However recently as Daniel is getting older and I begin to think about the prospect of being in a relationship I start to feel ill.  My sister tells me I need to get on with it before I turn into one of those women who are happy to stay alone and tend to their own gardens for the rest of their lives (not that I tend to my own garden anyway).  I question if I could have a man around my children, with the Pre-teen becoming more mature as each day passes and the Prince in the foundation stages of his growth and development do I really want anybody coming into their life, or mine for that matter, and disturbing the equilibrium.

I could go on listing more insecurities but this would probably be the longest post in history if I did therefore I'm going to stop take a deep breath, relax and remind myself of all the things I do love about me.