So despite the fact that I may open up a can of over-sized worms and spill them on my own head I'm going to share my insecurities in the hope that someone can relate, or at least give me a virtual slap and tell me I'm worrying about nothing.
Insecurity 1: My Hair
I decided to chop my hair off because for the second time in my life I felt like a hypocrite telling my daughter that she should love her natural hair but I was still running back and forth to the salon to have mine relaxed, dyed, pressed... anything but natural. I do love the fact that my hair is now natural but I'm not enjoying the length at the moment. A short Afro that takes ages to style if I want to leave the house looking half decent.
I am however proud that my daughter has now embraced her natural hair to the extent that she will rock her Afro to school and feel no way about it!
Insecurity 2: My stomach
Yes I know I've had two children and yes, I know my youngest is only 11 months but I'm not loving the mummy tummy. I've dropped most of my baby weight... I was humongous, like an elephant walking on it's hind legs but now that it's gone I'm left with loose skin and a speed bump I feel like I have to buy a size bigger just to accommodate for it.
Insecurity 3: My ability to raise a man
Ultimately the Prince will grow to be a man. Like it or not I'm a woman, I don't know what it's like to be a man. I don't know first hand the types of struggles they face neither internally or externally and I worry that I'll find it hard to help my son grow into the strong man that I want him to be. I worry about the examples of men that he has around him and I worry that I will either baby him too much so that he doesn't grow to be independent or I will not do enough and he will grow to be distant or aggressive. I know there are women all over the world who raise sons on their own and I really want to be one of the good ones.
Insecurity 4: My ability to trust
I'm the kind of person that loves with the whole of me and I don 't have that type of love that's like a light switch, if I loved you yesterday I'd probably still have love for you ten years later albeit altered. If I have something you need and I am able to give it I usually will. However recently as Daniel is getting older and I begin to think about the prospect of being in a relationship I start to feel ill. My sister tells me I need to get on with it before I turn into one of those women who are happy to stay alone and tend to their own gardens for the rest of their lives (not that I tend to my own garden anyway). I question if I could have a man around my children, with the Pre-teen becoming more mature as each day passes and the Prince in the foundation stages of his growth and development do I really want anybody coming into their life, or mine for that matter, and disturbing the equilibrium.
I could go on listing more insecurities but this would probably be the longest post in history if I did therefore I'm going to stop take a deep breath, relax and remind myself of all the things I do love about me.